FUCK YOU, DEPRESSION.
Updated: Aug 28, 2018
Remember the post from last week? Well this is her little brother!
When my mother passed on July 17th 2008, I couldn’t really understand how much of an impact it truly had on me. Since I am the youngest and the only boy in my family, I didn’t feel that I had anyone my age that I could really connect with.
Because of these feelings, I started having to fight depression and anxiety at the age of 8 years old. Along with these issues, I was also going though the normal teasing and name calling that 8 year olds go through. While that may seem small to you, to me I took all those jokes as people actually being hostile towards me. So for the longest time (and even now), I thought no one liked me, and I was just the annoying kid everyone hated. Luckily, I was able to start playing music and my love for music took my mind off of her death and all these awful thoughts that I had in my head.
I didn’t think that I was actually suffering from depression until I was in the 11th grade and started feeling as if I was fading away and turning invisible. Thankfully, during this time I was playing football and was constantly busy, so my attention was again shifted from the trauma that I was going through.
Once I got to the University of Cincinnati and my depression came back, I began to think back as to what could have caused it. When my first year ended I was in a very deep depression, so I went and saw a therapist to see if talking to someone would help me at all.
When that didn’t help I knew that I had to go to my family more about the issues that I face. Because of this, we were able to figure out why I always felt so alienated and never felt like I could fully connect with others, and that my greatest fear will never happen. My sisters, father and grandmother not only helped me, they gave me hope. With their help, I know that I cannot run or hide from my issues or the pain that I never faced when I was younger. Since I still do most of all the things I used to to cope with my past, (basketball, playing and listening to music, working out, etc.) and knowing that my family and friends will always have my back NO MATTER WHAT, I’m able to say NAH, FUCK THAT to everything that led to depression including everyone that made me feel lesser than.
I understand that I am not alone anymore, which is my greatest fear. And I know that God will continue to guide me though-out the rest of my life. I now look at life as a rollercoaster, Im learning to enjoy the highs, lows, twists and turns that will be thrown at me because if i’m not being joyful in everything I do, I’m not really being myself. To my depression, anxiety and anyone that’s against me I say FUCK YOU and NAH, FUCK THAT.