FUCK THAT CYCLE.
The way I grew up taught me everything I know now. It wasn’t until recently that I understood the cycle I was continuing. I don’t know if the word struggle is correct for what I experienced. I remember at one point in time nothing in the house worked.... lights, gas, water, NOTHING. There is one memory I have before my life spiraled downward. My sisters and I had to wash up outside with the water hose because our bathtubs and toilets were broken.
A few months later our house caught on fire and my sister did not survive. I learned after that how to cut off my emotions and others. Six years later I lost my brother to a tough battle of cancer.
Now this is really when I shut down. I never shared much of anything I just went through the motions. I continued these unhealthy habits throughout majority of my college career, not caring about much. I had no idea what I truly wanted to do in terms of a career. I knew one thing and that was that I wanted to impact others, I just didn’t know to what capacity.
So I just did what I knew and that was basketball. I truly love the game and what it did for me but it wasn’t what I wanted to continue to do. I lived out the dream of my brother by playing and then going on to see if I had a passion in coaching. Well, honestly I didn’t and I could not continue to live in a lie so I took a different path; working with at risk youth and let me tell you, it was the happiest I had been.
Then after awhile I didn’t feel as if I was enough. The unfortunate truth is that you don’t get paid much to work with youth. So I was battling if I was living up to my full potential based off of how much I was making. Now I’m 25 and finally able to recognize those unhealthy habits I built and how it has held me back.
I’m able now to understand the cycle of my family, accept it and I faithfully say "Nah, Fuck That!" This cycle stops with me! This journey I am on now is one of a kind and has no room for judgement!